It’s 2010, the unemployment rate is up, but I, Liann Seiter M.S., have a job. This path has been long and hard for me. This transition into post-collegiate life has been a challenge. I love being a student. I didn’t realize how much I love it until I found myself making cute little flashcards for the Foreign Service Officer exam. Silly me and my obsession with Back to School supplies at Target.
While I may be a bit remiss to leave behind my title as student, I am looking forward to start with my new title of Research Associate at American Institutes for Research. I have been temping there for a few months now, hoping to get an “in,” and well, now I’m in.
When I think about this job offer I have the same welling up of confusing and potent emotions I have when I think about graduating. I am so grateful my heart knows no other way to express it except push water out of my tear ducts.
I take that back, my heart did lead me to write out a stack of thank you cards to people who helped along the way: my parents, the people in the Field Studies office, and a few professors. I was even considering writing a card to God, making tangible the emotion that’s been filling my insides. I ran out of cards before I could write one to God. But I keep thinking of more people I want to thank: past roommates, old friends, fellow BYU grad students. I could not have made it through those years sane without them. So, maybe I’ll buy (or make) more cards and make physical evidence of the emotion which seems to be overflowing right now.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Grateful for the end of some things.
I recently got word that the Journal of Adolescent Research is going to publish the article version of my thesis (with me as the first author!). My little heart thumps loudly at the thought of all my work being printed in a big, fancy, peer-reviewed journal. Only people with letters after their names do things like that. Wait. I have letters after my name. In case you didn’t know my name is actually:
Liann Seiter M.S.
It even says so at the top of my resume (but only after a colleague suggested it). Before then is just read:
Liann Seiter
So much fancier with those extra letters eh?
In related news, I finally got around to calling BYU to get my diploma mailed to me—apparently there was a hold on my account because I had not turned in an ecclesiastical endorsement for fall semester. That honor code office, always keeping an eye out for my soul even as an alumni. Luckily I got that cleared up. I’m graduated and can have my boyfriend over as late as I want. But thanks to my 40 hour a week work schedule “as late as I want” usually means 11, sometimes 11:30.
I keep thinking that maybe when I get that fancy piece of paper this graduation thing will feel more real. But in all probability I will open that package, sit in the middle of my bedroom floor next to a pile of my laundry and cry.
There’s something about finishing such a hard thing that makes me want to cry. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but it’s something like this: I can emotionally revisit the pain of all those lonely months of working on my thesis, be happy that that damn paper is finished, feel grateful it was good enough to publish, and wallow a little in sadness because I won’t be able to sit around and shoot the intellectual breeze with my cohort in that little grad lab ever again.
I’m grateful. So grateful I don’t even know quite how to express it without a little rambling.
Liann Seiter M.S.
It even says so at the top of my resume (but only after a colleague suggested it). Before then is just read:
Liann Seiter
So much fancier with those extra letters eh?
In related news, I finally got around to calling BYU to get my diploma mailed to me—apparently there was a hold on my account because I had not turned in an ecclesiastical endorsement for fall semester. That honor code office, always keeping an eye out for my soul even as an alumni. Luckily I got that cleared up. I’m graduated and can have my boyfriend over as late as I want. But thanks to my 40 hour a week work schedule “as late as I want” usually means 11, sometimes 11:30.
I keep thinking that maybe when I get that fancy piece of paper this graduation thing will feel more real. But in all probability I will open that package, sit in the middle of my bedroom floor next to a pile of my laundry and cry.
There’s something about finishing such a hard thing that makes me want to cry. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but it’s something like this: I can emotionally revisit the pain of all those lonely months of working on my thesis, be happy that that damn paper is finished, feel grateful it was good enough to publish, and wallow a little in sadness because I won’t be able to sit around and shoot the intellectual breeze with my cohort in that little grad lab ever again.
I’m grateful. So grateful I don’t even know quite how to express it without a little rambling.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Le Sigh
A good friend from BYU called me the weekend before last and during our conversation he referred to something in my latest blog post, which reminded me that I have not written in ages!
There are a few reasons for my neglect: I’ve been busy moving to a new apartment, studying for the FSO exam, volunteering as a temple worker weekly, working a temp job, and interviewing for a permanent position at my temp job (more on that later). But really the main reason has a name and his name is Bryce. We officially decided to use the title “boyfriend/girlfriend” about a month ago (a declaration of mutual affection was signed and the title put into effect) and I have been sleep deprived and love sick since then.
Now, while I don’t like blogging about my dating life I did want to “talk” about this one thing: the newness and freshness that comes with the beginning of dating relationships. Having felt battle worn and a bit weary in the dating scene I have been struck by how entirely beautiful it is to start with this clean, (unabashedly) loving relationship.
Do you know what I’m trying express?
We haven’t said any harsh words or gotten tangled in negative emotions—it’s so shiny, and free from problems. Instead of having to work out our differences, we’re having seemingly endless conversations about deep and beautiful things. We’re holding hands anytime we’re together, shyly kissing goodnight at the door, and sending the occasional flirtatious text during the day. Writing love letters and making mixes of love songs. Not to mention keeping each other out later and later. I forgot how fun this could be. It's all that cheesy stuff love songs are written about.
As stated in a previous blog post I felt frustrated when couples would say, “enjoy this time it’s so fun.” I still consider the insecurity of getting into a relationship taxing, but I find the first part of committed relationships quite delightful. While I know this “newness” won’t last forever, I’m certainly enjoying it now.
So for now, Le sigh.
There are a few reasons for my neglect: I’ve been busy moving to a new apartment, studying for the FSO exam, volunteering as a temple worker weekly, working a temp job, and interviewing for a permanent position at my temp job (more on that later). But really the main reason has a name and his name is Bryce. We officially decided to use the title “boyfriend/girlfriend” about a month ago (a declaration of mutual affection was signed and the title put into effect) and I have been sleep deprived and love sick since then.
Now, while I don’t like blogging about my dating life I did want to “talk” about this one thing: the newness and freshness that comes with the beginning of dating relationships. Having felt battle worn and a bit weary in the dating scene I have been struck by how entirely beautiful it is to start with this clean, (unabashedly) loving relationship.
Do you know what I’m trying express?
We haven’t said any harsh words or gotten tangled in negative emotions—it’s so shiny, and free from problems. Instead of having to work out our differences, we’re having seemingly endless conversations about deep and beautiful things. We’re holding hands anytime we’re together, shyly kissing goodnight at the door, and sending the occasional flirtatious text during the day. Writing love letters and making mixes of love songs. Not to mention keeping each other out later and later. I forgot how fun this could be. It's all that cheesy stuff love songs are written about.
As stated in a previous blog post I felt frustrated when couples would say, “enjoy this time it’s so fun.” I still consider the insecurity of getting into a relationship taxing, but I find the first part of committed relationships quite delightful. While I know this “newness” won’t last forever, I’m certainly enjoying it now.
So for now, Le sigh.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Book, books, and more books
So as you may be able to tell from the last entry I've been spending a lot of time reading as of late. With over an hour commute on the metro/bus each morning and evening I have had some delightful chance to read. So I thought I'd tell you what I'm reading and what I think about it:
An Accomplished Woman by Jude Morgan: I have been ashamed to admit it in the past, but I'll confess I am a fan of Jane Austin novels. Unfortunately having read all of her works I find that I'm like a drug addict stranded on a desert island in need of a fix. Luckily there is the occasional book like An Accomplished Woman that drifts onto shore to help me cope. This book is delightfully light and for women like me, worth a read.
The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho: I fell in love with Coelho when I read his Book The Alchemist. My hopes for this novel became particularly high when a woman on the metro saw me reading this and gushed about how much she enjoyed the book and likes to reread it to connect with its ideas. I will say I like the concept of getting out of comfort zone to come to a new truth. I enjoyed how the ending brought a new depth and meaning to the entire book. But all in all, I didn't feel the same way I did when I finished The Alchemist--like I had been given a whole new perspective on living.
No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy: I find Cormac McCarthy's writing style absolutely captivating and his stories gruesome and disturbing, but maybe still worth the telling. While in India I was consumed by reading The Road, to the point where I stayed up one night under my sheet, flashlight in hand to finish it. His books have a depth that easily insights interesting conversation. I only wish I had people around me I could talk to about the book like I did when I read The Road.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray: As a snobby sociologist I scoffed at the implications this book has on the continuation of gendered norms. However, a boyfriend once read this book and claimed that it was truer than the Old Testament. When ranking truthfulness of scripture for him it was: The Book of Mormon, The New Testament, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and The Old Testament. On his recommendation I purchased the book at a used bookstore and read through many of the chapters, but never finished it. This summer I dug that old copy out of my box of books and read all the way through. It has surely opened my eyes and given me a new lens to use when viewing romantic relationships. As the author admits these patterns aren't true of everyone all the time. But I feel like I've had a peak into the other team's playbook, but rather than beating them, it will help me play better with them.
Dune by Frank Herbert: A friend and I decided we would read Dune for a book club with just the two of us. As I've been carrying around this book with me I have gotten into so many conversations with random people about how great this book is. I had no idea. Apparently growing up my nerdy friends were either (a) not nerdy enough or (b) not good friends because NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT DUNE before now! The characters are layered, the world fascinating but not too confusing, the writing engaging, and the plot intense. My metro rides have never seemed so short! I felt like for a time there I was rambling in the Dune world. I have yet to pick up the next in the series because I have things in this world that do need to get done.
Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner: I was introduced to this book my freshmen year of college in a Philosophy class. I was intrigued so I bought the book, started it, but never finished it. While reading it I look back on my actions in past relationships and see the problems we had in a whole new light. I wonder how different those relationships would have been had I known then what I know now. Not that I feel regret, just a desire to change now. I'm still confused on how to escape cycles of self deception in my own life, but I am looking forward to trying.
An Accomplished Woman by Jude Morgan: I have been ashamed to admit it in the past, but I'll confess I am a fan of Jane Austin novels. Unfortunately having read all of her works I find that I'm like a drug addict stranded on a desert island in need of a fix. Luckily there is the occasional book like An Accomplished Woman that drifts onto shore to help me cope. This book is delightfully light and for women like me, worth a read.
The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho: I fell in love with Coelho when I read his Book The Alchemist. My hopes for this novel became particularly high when a woman on the metro saw me reading this and gushed about how much she enjoyed the book and likes to reread it to connect with its ideas. I will say I like the concept of getting out of comfort zone to come to a new truth. I enjoyed how the ending brought a new depth and meaning to the entire book. But all in all, I didn't feel the same way I did when I finished The Alchemist--like I had been given a whole new perspective on living.
No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy: I find Cormac McCarthy's writing style absolutely captivating and his stories gruesome and disturbing, but maybe still worth the telling. While in India I was consumed by reading The Road, to the point where I stayed up one night under my sheet, flashlight in hand to finish it. His books have a depth that easily insights interesting conversation. I only wish I had people around me I could talk to about the book like I did when I read The Road.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray: As a snobby sociologist I scoffed at the implications this book has on the continuation of gendered norms. However, a boyfriend once read this book and claimed that it was truer than the Old Testament. When ranking truthfulness of scripture for him it was: The Book of Mormon, The New Testament, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and The Old Testament. On his recommendation I purchased the book at a used bookstore and read through many of the chapters, but never finished it. This summer I dug that old copy out of my box of books and read all the way through. It has surely opened my eyes and given me a new lens to use when viewing romantic relationships. As the author admits these patterns aren't true of everyone all the time. But I feel like I've had a peak into the other team's playbook, but rather than beating them, it will help me play better with them.
Dune by Frank Herbert: A friend and I decided we would read Dune for a book club with just the two of us. As I've been carrying around this book with me I have gotten into so many conversations with random people about how great this book is. I had no idea. Apparently growing up my nerdy friends were either (a) not nerdy enough or (b) not good friends because NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT DUNE before now! The characters are layered, the world fascinating but not too confusing, the writing engaging, and the plot intense. My metro rides have never seemed so short! I felt like for a time there I was rambling in the Dune world. I have yet to pick up the next in the series because I have things in this world that do need to get done.
Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner: I was introduced to this book my freshmen year of college in a Philosophy class. I was intrigued so I bought the book, started it, but never finished it. While reading it I look back on my actions in past relationships and see the problems we had in a whole new light. I wonder how different those relationships would have been had I known then what I know now. Not that I feel regret, just a desire to change now. I'm still confused on how to escape cycles of self deception in my own life, but I am looking forward to trying.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I heart my local library
I have been wanting to write up this blog entry for awhile now, but I have finally pulled together the pictures I took one day while at the library and my thoughts on the topic. So here it is, my nerdy confession: I LOVE my local library.
Soon after I moved to Maryland I found that I did not have many friends (see previous post if you’re feeling sad for me—I did find friends). But job hunting left me with a need to rejuvenate and not many people to go out with to do that. Well, never fear my friends. Your local librarian is always available to be your BFF!
I took my photo ID and a piece of mail, and delightedly drove to the Germantown Library down the road. I signed up and got a card to their “cool kids club” a.k.a. the Montgomery County Library System. In case you’ve never visited the Germantown Library let me enumerate the many wonderful features (which may also exist at your local library):
1—There are tons of books to choose from! While it has taken a little while after graduating, my thirst to read was soon revived. Thanks to this library I have been able to quench that thirst!
2—If the Germantown Library doesn’t have a copy of a book you want, but another Montgomery County library does you can request it! I have a few friends who have heard about my recent love affair with the library and have suggested a few books of their own. But those books weren’t in Germantown. No worries! I got online and requested them. A week or so later I got an email that the books were ready to be picked up and checked out.
3—This library has free wi-fi and quiet rooms to work in. This became critical when I needed a place to focus on job hunting and a place to get some of my consulting work done. Thank you for shh-ing the patrons for me old lady!
4—Last but not least, they have a large selection of DVDs and you can check them out for the small fee of free-ninety nine. Which means if you’re anything like me you have a handful of movies you’ve always wanted to give a try, but were too cheap to rent from Blockbuster. Never fear. Librarians LOVE cheap people, because they always return their stuff on time. And just when I didn’t think things could get any better I found out that when you return your books one day late they give you the benefit of the doubt and don’t charge you! Man they are nicer than my kindergarten teacher, well….wait I wouldn’t go that far. Mrs. Wright was sweeter than apple pie, but yeah they are SO nice.
So, while I don’t have anything too poignant to share I must say I have felt more at home since becoming a regular patron of the G-town Library. There is a sense of community I feel when I am there—something I miss dearly after moving out the geographical boundaries of the Food Co-op in Utah. So, yeah, thanks Ben for hooking us up with that.
I meant to post this with some pictures I took weeks ago, but it's been weeks. I'll get around to adding the photos later (I promise Skoticus!) because I hear they make it more interesting to read when there are photos!
Soon after I moved to Maryland I found that I did not have many friends (see previous post if you’re feeling sad for me—I did find friends). But job hunting left me with a need to rejuvenate and not many people to go out with to do that. Well, never fear my friends. Your local librarian is always available to be your BFF!
I took my photo ID and a piece of mail, and delightedly drove to the Germantown Library down the road. I signed up and got a card to their “cool kids club” a.k.a. the Montgomery County Library System. In case you’ve never visited the Germantown Library let me enumerate the many wonderful features (which may also exist at your local library):
1—There are tons of books to choose from! While it has taken a little while after graduating, my thirst to read was soon revived. Thanks to this library I have been able to quench that thirst!
2—If the Germantown Library doesn’t have a copy of a book you want, but another Montgomery County library does you can request it! I have a few friends who have heard about my recent love affair with the library and have suggested a few books of their own. But those books weren’t in Germantown. No worries! I got online and requested them. A week or so later I got an email that the books were ready to be picked up and checked out.
3—This library has free wi-fi and quiet rooms to work in. This became critical when I needed a place to focus on job hunting and a place to get some of my consulting work done. Thank you for shh-ing the patrons for me old lady!
4—Last but not least, they have a large selection of DVDs and you can check them out for the small fee of free-ninety nine. Which means if you’re anything like me you have a handful of movies you’ve always wanted to give a try, but were too cheap to rent from Blockbuster. Never fear. Librarians LOVE cheap people, because they always return their stuff on time. And just when I didn’t think things could get any better I found out that when you return your books one day late they give you the benefit of the doubt and don’t charge you! Man they are nicer than my kindergarten teacher, well….wait I wouldn’t go that far. Mrs. Wright was sweeter than apple pie, but yeah they are SO nice.
So, while I don’t have anything too poignant to share I must say I have felt more at home since becoming a regular patron of the G-town Library. There is a sense of community I feel when I am there—something I miss dearly after moving out the geographical boundaries of the Food Co-op in Utah. So, yeah, thanks Ben for hooking us up with that.
I meant to post this with some pictures I took weeks ago, but it's been weeks. I'll get around to adding the photos later (I promise Skoticus!) because I hear they make it more interesting to read when there are photos!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Unexpected Teacher
In my yoga teacher training we talked about teachers that come in and out of our lives. In that particular lecture we were talking about personalities who somehow manage to cut deep to our nerves and bring out the worst in us and how those personalities seem to recur again and again in our lives to give us opportunities to practice patience.
Well, this summer I met a teacher, but he wasn’t that type of teacher (thank goodness). He is easy going, quick to be pleased with life, and fun to be around. As an intern in the DC area his influence was brief, but meaningful. He, I, and two other friends spent the summer frolicking around the district enjoying the sights, sounds, and tastes of a summer in the nation’s capitol. In that group of friends I was reminded what an interesting, powerful, attractive woman I am. It feels that this summer I was able to shed my winter coat of self doubt and discouragement. And I learned something I had somehow forgotten along the way: to enjoy the present.
With the end of his internship our little group, while not completely disbanded, doesn't have quite the same dynamics that made it so fun. While a part of me is sad to see this summer come to a close, I feel overwhelmingly grateful.
With his parting I have been feeling a bit reflective. In this state of mind I have thought of other teachers who have come and gone in my life. That is the sad thing with good teachers in my past, they taught me what I needed and then our paths tended to part. I’ve been working to let go of the bitterness of the parting and simply reflect on the sweetness of the interaction.
As some of you may know I have finally grown tired of the hobo lifestyle. As a result, I have started looking for a room in an apartment with other LDS women. I’ve already been to see one place and as I knocked on the door I thought to myself, “I wonder what future teachers live in this house? Will they be a part of my life’s education? And if so, what do they have to teach me?”
Well, this summer I met a teacher, but he wasn’t that type of teacher (thank goodness). He is easy going, quick to be pleased with life, and fun to be around. As an intern in the DC area his influence was brief, but meaningful. He, I, and two other friends spent the summer frolicking around the district enjoying the sights, sounds, and tastes of a summer in the nation’s capitol. In that group of friends I was reminded what an interesting, powerful, attractive woman I am. It feels that this summer I was able to shed my winter coat of self doubt and discouragement. And I learned something I had somehow forgotten along the way: to enjoy the present.
With the end of his internship our little group, while not completely disbanded, doesn't have quite the same dynamics that made it so fun. While a part of me is sad to see this summer come to a close, I feel overwhelmingly grateful.
With his parting I have been feeling a bit reflective. In this state of mind I have thought of other teachers who have come and gone in my life. That is the sad thing with good teachers in my past, they taught me what I needed and then our paths tended to part. I’ve been working to let go of the bitterness of the parting and simply reflect on the sweetness of the interaction.
As some of you may know I have finally grown tired of the hobo lifestyle. As a result, I have started looking for a room in an apartment with other LDS women. I’ve already been to see one place and as I knocked on the door I thought to myself, “I wonder what future teachers live in this house? Will they be a part of my life’s education? And if so, what do they have to teach me?”
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Transitions
“I hate transitions.” I write with a red pen on my legal pad. I’m supposed to be using that pen to edit the latest version of this Strategic Document before emailing it to me supervisor for feedback, but instead I’m using it to silently vent on this piece of paper.
My bad writing habits haven’t gone away. I cringe as I think of Larry’s comment, “Need a transition here.” on draft after draft of my thesis. Sometimes he just resorted to writing the transition sentences for me. As I read the paper in front of me I see that it is starting to shape up, but I need to write a few sentences that connect the paragraphs to each other.
In college one of my favorite writing teachers had us rush write three separate pieces in class. (Rush write means you write whatever is on your mind as fast as you can, not worrying about grammar, punctuation, flow. The point is to just get ideas down on paper and fast.) Our assignment that night was to write a few sentences to connect those three rush writes. The connecting sentences were to be bolded while the rush writes were to remain unedited and in normal text. The next class period he made us read each others' transitions. Some were brilliant, mine were mediocre. He said that it is in the transitions our most creative writing happens.
Is it the same with life—is it in our transitions our most creative living happens? I feel like I’ve been living in transition for the last few months: waiting to finish the last of my thesis and graduate, attending one random month of yoga teacher training, and now living as a hobo in other people’s homes while I job search. I re-read that sentence, “I hate transitions.” I feel that so deeply. At first graduation felt a little scary, the unknown future exciting, my yoga training intriguing, and this move to DC adventurous. Now it all feels stressful. In the last few months I haven’t been able to put on the autopilot. Frankly, it’s been exhausting.
It’s like when you first start dating someone you really like. There is that in-between stage when he’s more than a friend, but not your boyfriend. My married friends talk about how fun that stage is. I think they have completely forgot what it’s like to actually date (or what it’s like to be going to bed alone for that matter). It’s terrible. Sure, holding hands for the first time can be exhilarating and that first kiss delightful. But the chances for you to transition into a dating relationship is about as good as your chances to become an unused phone number in his contacts list. If this is the best part of any given relationship, then I’d prefer to stay single. Maybe I’ll just run off and spend the rest of my life single in some yoga ashram in India.
I’m told I’m supposed to enjoy the journey, but there comes a time in any journey when—after all those hours on a plane—you just want to arrive. Right?
I do hate transitions. They’re uncomfortable and apparently I was never very good at them. I'd rather be here or there, not somewhere between here and there.
My bad writing habits haven’t gone away. I cringe as I think of Larry’s comment, “Need a transition here.” on draft after draft of my thesis. Sometimes he just resorted to writing the transition sentences for me. As I read the paper in front of me I see that it is starting to shape up, but I need to write a few sentences that connect the paragraphs to each other.
In college one of my favorite writing teachers had us rush write three separate pieces in class. (Rush write means you write whatever is on your mind as fast as you can, not worrying about grammar, punctuation, flow. The point is to just get ideas down on paper and fast.) Our assignment that night was to write a few sentences to connect those three rush writes. The connecting sentences were to be bolded while the rush writes were to remain unedited and in normal text. The next class period he made us read each others' transitions. Some were brilliant, mine were mediocre. He said that it is in the transitions our most creative writing happens.
Is it the same with life—is it in our transitions our most creative living happens? I feel like I’ve been living in transition for the last few months: waiting to finish the last of my thesis and graduate, attending one random month of yoga teacher training, and now living as a hobo in other people’s homes while I job search. I re-read that sentence, “I hate transitions.” I feel that so deeply. At first graduation felt a little scary, the unknown future exciting, my yoga training intriguing, and this move to DC adventurous. Now it all feels stressful. In the last few months I haven’t been able to put on the autopilot. Frankly, it’s been exhausting.
It’s like when you first start dating someone you really like. There is that in-between stage when he’s more than a friend, but not your boyfriend. My married friends talk about how fun that stage is. I think they have completely forgot what it’s like to actually date (or what it’s like to be going to bed alone for that matter). It’s terrible. Sure, holding hands for the first time can be exhilarating and that first kiss delightful. But the chances for you to transition into a dating relationship is about as good as your chances to become an unused phone number in his contacts list. If this is the best part of any given relationship, then I’d prefer to stay single. Maybe I’ll just run off and spend the rest of my life single in some yoga ashram in India.
I’m told I’m supposed to enjoy the journey, but there comes a time in any journey when—after all those hours on a plane—you just want to arrive. Right?
I do hate transitions. They’re uncomfortable and apparently I was never very good at them. I'd rather be here or there, not somewhere between here and there.
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