Remember that shiny and new relationship I wrote about earlier? Well it's not shiny and new anymore. It's broken. Bryce and I decided to break up the Saturday after Thanksgiving. We each had our own reasons for breaking up: him because of me, and me because of him. However, the break up was surprisingly civil, which is the best you can hope for in situations such as these. The reason I want to type this up and put it out into the internet universe is because of what happened to me afterward.
Sunday morning I woke early, got ready, cried a little as I drove to church, and sat on the pew next to my brother. I told him what happened. Aaron turned to me and said, "You broke up? For how long? Or I guess it's a permanent thing." I laughed inside remembering a past relationship with a few not-so-permanent breakups, Aaron's question was a legitimate one. However, this break feels un-fixable on my end. I had done all I could and was at peace with claiming defeat. The question intrigued me and I spent a few moments mulling over what I would say to Bryce if he came back to me to pitch the idea of "us" again.
I stopped dead in my mental tracks. "Liann. Live in the present." The thought resounded loudly in my mind.
This concept of living in the present is one we talked about in my yoga teacher training. When in a difficult or uncomfortable yoga pose people often think, "Oh man! Oh man! When is this going to be over?" Or if you're me you are simply counting your breaths swearing you'll kill the teacher if she doesn't stick to the "5 more breaths" like she promised. Whatever it is, people tend to escape the pain by putting their minds anywhere else but on their mat in that moment.
So I thought, "Well, what is in your present?" The answer:
emptiness
At that moment I could feel the empty space in my chest and stomach. It was as if I could inhale and inhale and never fill that space. It felt wide, expansive. As I looked into that space I felt a little uncomfortable, scared even.
I then asked myself, "What do you want to fill this space with Liann?"
"I could fill it with bitterness, resentment, and sadness." I answered. Which is something I have done in the past. I poisoned my heart so much that it took years and even a 7 month long trip to India before I was fully able to love again. I shuddered.
With that emptiness tugging at me I then thought, "Or, I could fill it with other things." I then thought of how much more time, more emotional energy, more thinking "space" I have now that I'm not dating Bryce. I can make more friends in my current ward, read more books, focus on yoga more, spend more time at the gym, set aside more time for me and God, sign up for that book binding class I found weeks ago, and maybe even spare some vacation days for a trip to Europe next year.
I became hopeful with the possibilities of what I could do with all that empty space.
Whenever I find myself thinking unhelpful thoughts about Bryce and I (things like daydreaming about what I'd say to Bryce if he came back) I stop myself. I remind myself that that isn't in my present. I then meditate on that empty space I found so unpleasant and yet so hopeful. And whatever I feel passes.
While I am still allowing myself time to mourn, to work through the past as it relates to my present, I am careful about what I am filling my present emptiness with. And I've noticed that each time I peak into that empty space within me I find that a few more things have slipped themselves into there and it doesn't feel so vast and scary anymore.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Becoming
In the last General Conference Elder Scott said, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."
I've been thinking a lot about that quote lately. It's gotten me out of bed in the wee hours of the morning so I can exercise at the gym. It's also helped me be a little cleaner around the apartment and more thoughtful of my roommates.
Because he's right, if I'm not being those things now, I will most likely never become those things later. But I have to admit all this "becoming" business is quite exhausting.
I've been thinking a lot about that quote lately. It's gotten me out of bed in the wee hours of the morning so I can exercise at the gym. It's also helped me be a little cleaner around the apartment and more thoughtful of my roommates.
Because he's right, if I'm not being those things now, I will most likely never become those things later. But I have to admit all this "becoming" business is quite exhausting.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Grateful for the beginning of other things.
It’s 2010, the unemployment rate is up, but I, Liann Seiter M.S., have a job. This path has been long and hard for me. This transition into post-collegiate life has been a challenge. I love being a student. I didn’t realize how much I love it until I found myself making cute little flashcards for the Foreign Service Officer exam. Silly me and my obsession with Back to School supplies at Target.
While I may be a bit remiss to leave behind my title as student, I am looking forward to start with my new title of Research Associate at American Institutes for Research. I have been temping there for a few months now, hoping to get an “in,” and well, now I’m in.
When I think about this job offer I have the same welling up of confusing and potent emotions I have when I think about graduating. I am so grateful my heart knows no other way to express it except push water out of my tear ducts.
I take that back, my heart did lead me to write out a stack of thank you cards to people who helped along the way: my parents, the people in the Field Studies office, and a few professors. I was even considering writing a card to God, making tangible the emotion that’s been filling my insides. I ran out of cards before I could write one to God. But I keep thinking of more people I want to thank: past roommates, old friends, fellow BYU grad students. I could not have made it through those years sane without them. So, maybe I’ll buy (or make) more cards and make physical evidence of the emotion which seems to be overflowing right now.
While I may be a bit remiss to leave behind my title as student, I am looking forward to start with my new title of Research Associate at American Institutes for Research. I have been temping there for a few months now, hoping to get an “in,” and well, now I’m in.
When I think about this job offer I have the same welling up of confusing and potent emotions I have when I think about graduating. I am so grateful my heart knows no other way to express it except push water out of my tear ducts.
I take that back, my heart did lead me to write out a stack of thank you cards to people who helped along the way: my parents, the people in the Field Studies office, and a few professors. I was even considering writing a card to God, making tangible the emotion that’s been filling my insides. I ran out of cards before I could write one to God. But I keep thinking of more people I want to thank: past roommates, old friends, fellow BYU grad students. I could not have made it through those years sane without them. So, maybe I’ll buy (or make) more cards and make physical evidence of the emotion which seems to be overflowing right now.
Grateful for the end of some things.
I recently got word that the Journal of Adolescent Research is going to publish the article version of my thesis (with me as the first author!). My little heart thumps loudly at the thought of all my work being printed in a big, fancy, peer-reviewed journal. Only people with letters after their names do things like that. Wait. I have letters after my name. In case you didn’t know my name is actually:
Liann Seiter M.S.
It even says so at the top of my resume (but only after a colleague suggested it). Before then is just read:
Liann Seiter
So much fancier with those extra letters eh?
In related news, I finally got around to calling BYU to get my diploma mailed to me—apparently there was a hold on my account because I had not turned in an ecclesiastical endorsement for fall semester. That honor code office, always keeping an eye out for my soul even as an alumni. Luckily I got that cleared up. I’m graduated and can have my boyfriend over as late as I want. But thanks to my 40 hour a week work schedule “as late as I want” usually means 11, sometimes 11:30.
I keep thinking that maybe when I get that fancy piece of paper this graduation thing will feel more real. But in all probability I will open that package, sit in the middle of my bedroom floor next to a pile of my laundry and cry.
There’s something about finishing such a hard thing that makes me want to cry. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but it’s something like this: I can emotionally revisit the pain of all those lonely months of working on my thesis, be happy that that damn paper is finished, feel grateful it was good enough to publish, and wallow a little in sadness because I won’t be able to sit around and shoot the intellectual breeze with my cohort in that little grad lab ever again.
I’m grateful. So grateful I don’t even know quite how to express it without a little rambling.
Liann Seiter M.S.
It even says so at the top of my resume (but only after a colleague suggested it). Before then is just read:
Liann Seiter
So much fancier with those extra letters eh?
In related news, I finally got around to calling BYU to get my diploma mailed to me—apparently there was a hold on my account because I had not turned in an ecclesiastical endorsement for fall semester. That honor code office, always keeping an eye out for my soul even as an alumni. Luckily I got that cleared up. I’m graduated and can have my boyfriend over as late as I want. But thanks to my 40 hour a week work schedule “as late as I want” usually means 11, sometimes 11:30.
I keep thinking that maybe when I get that fancy piece of paper this graduation thing will feel more real. But in all probability I will open that package, sit in the middle of my bedroom floor next to a pile of my laundry and cry.
There’s something about finishing such a hard thing that makes me want to cry. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but it’s something like this: I can emotionally revisit the pain of all those lonely months of working on my thesis, be happy that that damn paper is finished, feel grateful it was good enough to publish, and wallow a little in sadness because I won’t be able to sit around and shoot the intellectual breeze with my cohort in that little grad lab ever again.
I’m grateful. So grateful I don’t even know quite how to express it without a little rambling.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Le Sigh
A good friend from BYU called me the weekend before last and during our conversation he referred to something in my latest blog post, which reminded me that I have not written in ages!
There are a few reasons for my neglect: I’ve been busy moving to a new apartment, studying for the FSO exam, volunteering as a temple worker weekly, working a temp job, and interviewing for a permanent position at my temp job (more on that later). But really the main reason has a name and his name is Bryce. We officially decided to use the title “boyfriend/girlfriend” about a month ago (a declaration of mutual affection was signed and the title put into effect) and I have been sleep deprived and love sick since then.
Now, while I don’t like blogging about my dating life I did want to “talk” about this one thing: the newness and freshness that comes with the beginning of dating relationships. Having felt battle worn and a bit weary in the dating scene I have been struck by how entirely beautiful it is to start with this clean, (unabashedly) loving relationship.
Do you know what I’m trying express?
We haven’t said any harsh words or gotten tangled in negative emotions—it’s so shiny, and free from problems. Instead of having to work out our differences, we’re having seemingly endless conversations about deep and beautiful things. We’re holding hands anytime we’re together, shyly kissing goodnight at the door, and sending the occasional flirtatious text during the day. Writing love letters and making mixes of love songs. Not to mention keeping each other out later and later. I forgot how fun this could be. It's all that cheesy stuff love songs are written about.
As stated in a previous blog post I felt frustrated when couples would say, “enjoy this time it’s so fun.” I still consider the insecurity of getting into a relationship taxing, but I find the first part of committed relationships quite delightful. While I know this “newness” won’t last forever, I’m certainly enjoying it now.
So for now, Le sigh.
There are a few reasons for my neglect: I’ve been busy moving to a new apartment, studying for the FSO exam, volunteering as a temple worker weekly, working a temp job, and interviewing for a permanent position at my temp job (more on that later). But really the main reason has a name and his name is Bryce. We officially decided to use the title “boyfriend/girlfriend” about a month ago (a declaration of mutual affection was signed and the title put into effect) and I have been sleep deprived and love sick since then.
Now, while I don’t like blogging about my dating life I did want to “talk” about this one thing: the newness and freshness that comes with the beginning of dating relationships. Having felt battle worn and a bit weary in the dating scene I have been struck by how entirely beautiful it is to start with this clean, (unabashedly) loving relationship.
Do you know what I’m trying express?
We haven’t said any harsh words or gotten tangled in negative emotions—it’s so shiny, and free from problems. Instead of having to work out our differences, we’re having seemingly endless conversations about deep and beautiful things. We’re holding hands anytime we’re together, shyly kissing goodnight at the door, and sending the occasional flirtatious text during the day. Writing love letters and making mixes of love songs. Not to mention keeping each other out later and later. I forgot how fun this could be. It's all that cheesy stuff love songs are written about.
As stated in a previous blog post I felt frustrated when couples would say, “enjoy this time it’s so fun.” I still consider the insecurity of getting into a relationship taxing, but I find the first part of committed relationships quite delightful. While I know this “newness” won’t last forever, I’m certainly enjoying it now.
So for now, Le sigh.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Book, books, and more books
So as you may be able to tell from the last entry I've been spending a lot of time reading as of late. With over an hour commute on the metro/bus each morning and evening I have had some delightful chance to read. So I thought I'd tell you what I'm reading and what I think about it:
An Accomplished Woman by Jude Morgan: I have been ashamed to admit it in the past, but I'll confess I am a fan of Jane Austin novels. Unfortunately having read all of her works I find that I'm like a drug addict stranded on a desert island in need of a fix. Luckily there is the occasional book like An Accomplished Woman that drifts onto shore to help me cope. This book is delightfully light and for women like me, worth a read.
The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho: I fell in love with Coelho when I read his Book The Alchemist. My hopes for this novel became particularly high when a woman on the metro saw me reading this and gushed about how much she enjoyed the book and likes to reread it to connect with its ideas. I will say I like the concept of getting out of comfort zone to come to a new truth. I enjoyed how the ending brought a new depth and meaning to the entire book. But all in all, I didn't feel the same way I did when I finished The Alchemist--like I had been given a whole new perspective on living.
No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy: I find Cormac McCarthy's writing style absolutely captivating and his stories gruesome and disturbing, but maybe still worth the telling. While in India I was consumed by reading The Road, to the point where I stayed up one night under my sheet, flashlight in hand to finish it. His books have a depth that easily insights interesting conversation. I only wish I had people around me I could talk to about the book like I did when I read The Road.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray: As a snobby sociologist I scoffed at the implications this book has on the continuation of gendered norms. However, a boyfriend once read this book and claimed that it was truer than the Old Testament. When ranking truthfulness of scripture for him it was: The Book of Mormon, The New Testament, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and The Old Testament. On his recommendation I purchased the book at a used bookstore and read through many of the chapters, but never finished it. This summer I dug that old copy out of my box of books and read all the way through. It has surely opened my eyes and given me a new lens to use when viewing romantic relationships. As the author admits these patterns aren't true of everyone all the time. But I feel like I've had a peak into the other team's playbook, but rather than beating them, it will help me play better with them.
Dune by Frank Herbert: A friend and I decided we would read Dune for a book club with just the two of us. As I've been carrying around this book with me I have gotten into so many conversations with random people about how great this book is. I had no idea. Apparently growing up my nerdy friends were either (a) not nerdy enough or (b) not good friends because NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT DUNE before now! The characters are layered, the world fascinating but not too confusing, the writing engaging, and the plot intense. My metro rides have never seemed so short! I felt like for a time there I was rambling in the Dune world. I have yet to pick up the next in the series because I have things in this world that do need to get done.
Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner: I was introduced to this book my freshmen year of college in a Philosophy class. I was intrigued so I bought the book, started it, but never finished it. While reading it I look back on my actions in past relationships and see the problems we had in a whole new light. I wonder how different those relationships would have been had I known then what I know now. Not that I feel regret, just a desire to change now. I'm still confused on how to escape cycles of self deception in my own life, but I am looking forward to trying.
An Accomplished Woman by Jude Morgan: I have been ashamed to admit it in the past, but I'll confess I am a fan of Jane Austin novels. Unfortunately having read all of her works I find that I'm like a drug addict stranded on a desert island in need of a fix. Luckily there is the occasional book like An Accomplished Woman that drifts onto shore to help me cope. This book is delightfully light and for women like me, worth a read.
The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho: I fell in love with Coelho when I read his Book The Alchemist. My hopes for this novel became particularly high when a woman on the metro saw me reading this and gushed about how much she enjoyed the book and likes to reread it to connect with its ideas. I will say I like the concept of getting out of comfort zone to come to a new truth. I enjoyed how the ending brought a new depth and meaning to the entire book. But all in all, I didn't feel the same way I did when I finished The Alchemist--like I had been given a whole new perspective on living.
No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy: I find Cormac McCarthy's writing style absolutely captivating and his stories gruesome and disturbing, but maybe still worth the telling. While in India I was consumed by reading The Road, to the point where I stayed up one night under my sheet, flashlight in hand to finish it. His books have a depth that easily insights interesting conversation. I only wish I had people around me I could talk to about the book like I did when I read The Road.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray: As a snobby sociologist I scoffed at the implications this book has on the continuation of gendered norms. However, a boyfriend once read this book and claimed that it was truer than the Old Testament. When ranking truthfulness of scripture for him it was: The Book of Mormon, The New Testament, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and The Old Testament. On his recommendation I purchased the book at a used bookstore and read through many of the chapters, but never finished it. This summer I dug that old copy out of my box of books and read all the way through. It has surely opened my eyes and given me a new lens to use when viewing romantic relationships. As the author admits these patterns aren't true of everyone all the time. But I feel like I've had a peak into the other team's playbook, but rather than beating them, it will help me play better with them.
Dune by Frank Herbert: A friend and I decided we would read Dune for a book club with just the two of us. As I've been carrying around this book with me I have gotten into so many conversations with random people about how great this book is. I had no idea. Apparently growing up my nerdy friends were either (a) not nerdy enough or (b) not good friends because NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT DUNE before now! The characters are layered, the world fascinating but not too confusing, the writing engaging, and the plot intense. My metro rides have never seemed so short! I felt like for a time there I was rambling in the Dune world. I have yet to pick up the next in the series because I have things in this world that do need to get done.
Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner: I was introduced to this book my freshmen year of college in a Philosophy class. I was intrigued so I bought the book, started it, but never finished it. While reading it I look back on my actions in past relationships and see the problems we had in a whole new light. I wonder how different those relationships would have been had I known then what I know now. Not that I feel regret, just a desire to change now. I'm still confused on how to escape cycles of self deception in my own life, but I am looking forward to trying.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I heart my local library
I have been wanting to write up this blog entry for awhile now, but I have finally pulled together the pictures I took one day while at the library and my thoughts on the topic. So here it is, my nerdy confession: I LOVE my local library.
Soon after I moved to Maryland I found that I did not have many friends (see previous post if you’re feeling sad for me—I did find friends). But job hunting left me with a need to rejuvenate and not many people to go out with to do that. Well, never fear my friends. Your local librarian is always available to be your BFF!
I took my photo ID and a piece of mail, and delightedly drove to the Germantown Library down the road. I signed up and got a card to their “cool kids club” a.k.a. the Montgomery County Library System. In case you’ve never visited the Germantown Library let me enumerate the many wonderful features (which may also exist at your local library):
1—There are tons of books to choose from! While it has taken a little while after graduating, my thirst to read was soon revived. Thanks to this library I have been able to quench that thirst!
2—If the Germantown Library doesn’t have a copy of a book you want, but another Montgomery County library does you can request it! I have a few friends who have heard about my recent love affair with the library and have suggested a few books of their own. But those books weren’t in Germantown. No worries! I got online and requested them. A week or so later I got an email that the books were ready to be picked up and checked out.
3—This library has free wi-fi and quiet rooms to work in. This became critical when I needed a place to focus on job hunting and a place to get some of my consulting work done. Thank you for shh-ing the patrons for me old lady!
4—Last but not least, they have a large selection of DVDs and you can check them out for the small fee of free-ninety nine. Which means if you’re anything like me you have a handful of movies you’ve always wanted to give a try, but were too cheap to rent from Blockbuster. Never fear. Librarians LOVE cheap people, because they always return their stuff on time. And just when I didn’t think things could get any better I found out that when you return your books one day late they give you the benefit of the doubt and don’t charge you! Man they are nicer than my kindergarten teacher, well….wait I wouldn’t go that far. Mrs. Wright was sweeter than apple pie, but yeah they are SO nice.
So, while I don’t have anything too poignant to share I must say I have felt more at home since becoming a regular patron of the G-town Library. There is a sense of community I feel when I am there—something I miss dearly after moving out the geographical boundaries of the Food Co-op in Utah. So, yeah, thanks Ben for hooking us up with that.
I meant to post this with some pictures I took weeks ago, but it's been weeks. I'll get around to adding the photos later (I promise Skoticus!) because I hear they make it more interesting to read when there are photos!
Soon after I moved to Maryland I found that I did not have many friends (see previous post if you’re feeling sad for me—I did find friends). But job hunting left me with a need to rejuvenate and not many people to go out with to do that. Well, never fear my friends. Your local librarian is always available to be your BFF!
I took my photo ID and a piece of mail, and delightedly drove to the Germantown Library down the road. I signed up and got a card to their “cool kids club” a.k.a. the Montgomery County Library System. In case you’ve never visited the Germantown Library let me enumerate the many wonderful features (which may also exist at your local library):
1—There are tons of books to choose from! While it has taken a little while after graduating, my thirst to read was soon revived. Thanks to this library I have been able to quench that thirst!
2—If the Germantown Library doesn’t have a copy of a book you want, but another Montgomery County library does you can request it! I have a few friends who have heard about my recent love affair with the library and have suggested a few books of their own. But those books weren’t in Germantown. No worries! I got online and requested them. A week or so later I got an email that the books were ready to be picked up and checked out.
3—This library has free wi-fi and quiet rooms to work in. This became critical when I needed a place to focus on job hunting and a place to get some of my consulting work done. Thank you for shh-ing the patrons for me old lady!
4—Last but not least, they have a large selection of DVDs and you can check them out for the small fee of free-ninety nine. Which means if you’re anything like me you have a handful of movies you’ve always wanted to give a try, but were too cheap to rent from Blockbuster. Never fear. Librarians LOVE cheap people, because they always return their stuff on time. And just when I didn’t think things could get any better I found out that when you return your books one day late they give you the benefit of the doubt and don’t charge you! Man they are nicer than my kindergarten teacher, well….wait I wouldn’t go that far. Mrs. Wright was sweeter than apple pie, but yeah they are SO nice.
So, while I don’t have anything too poignant to share I must say I have felt more at home since becoming a regular patron of the G-town Library. There is a sense of community I feel when I am there—something I miss dearly after moving out the geographical boundaries of the Food Co-op in Utah. So, yeah, thanks Ben for hooking us up with that.
I meant to post this with some pictures I took weeks ago, but it's been weeks. I'll get around to adding the photos later (I promise Skoticus!) because I hear they make it more interesting to read when there are photos!
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