Thoughts from the kitchen sink

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a music person, but today while I was doing dishes I thought about lines from songs that strike me. And I thought I’d share them


1. “Just about the time the shadows call, I undress my mind and dare you to follow.” –Sara Bareillis “One Sweet Love”

I feel like good, deep, meaningful conversation feels a little like this. Sharing something I don’t share with just anyone. It is a beautiful time in a relationship when you feel safe to reveal things about yourself—and in the course of revealing you build intimacy. This line from the song implies for me a sense of intimacy beyond physical intimacy. And that is beautiful. I also have to say there are times when I get done with a conversation and feel I’ve shared too much too fast—as if I was being as inappropriate as a exhibitionist. Anyone else?


2.”Yeah we’re in our twenties now, where not much is plenty now, and not enough food. It’s OK we’re in the arms of the Gypsy” –Shake Your Peace “In the Arms of the Gypsy”

Shake Your Peace was once a local artist—he’s since moved to California. He’s fun and his songs are full of life. I fell in love with this song when I heard the story behind it. He and his girlfriend decided they wanted to live in NYC so they bought an old boat called the Arms of the Gypsy and SLOWLY made their way to a bay in New York. The song inspires me to creatively reach for those dreams I have and to enjoy this very short, unique time in my twenties. One day I’ll have a house with working a/c, money to buy more than just oatmeal for breakfast, along with commitments like a mortgage and children that call me “mom.” This song reminds me that I shouldn’t get frustrated with my lack of material means and instead enjoy this time of freedom, choice, big dreams, spontaneous adventures, and fun people. It won’t last long.


3. “And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud” –Anna Nalick “Breathe”

I don’t know what it is about this line, but I am one who loves to write in my journal. The things that go in there are at times very funny, very quirky, very sad, and very personal. It’s a place where I don’t have to care what someone else will think, I can be myself, I can vent, I can admit those weaknesses that make me feel vulnerable. I don’t feel I’m a very closed person, but I have lines I don’t necessarily let everyone cross. And sharing words from my journal would make me feel very…exposed, even naked.


4. “You wear nothing but you wear it so well.” –Dave Matthews “Crash into Me”

Josh was the one who pointed out this line to me first, and it’s stuck with me ever since. There came a time in my life when I realized that SO MANY women in my life had body image issues—the old, the beautiful, the skinny—they all had issues! I realized that I could either face those nasty thoughts I had about my body or let them haunt me the rest of my life. I am happy to say I have come to peace with my body—the flabby, hairy, stretch-marked bits and all. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I occasionally have days where I don’t feel beautiful, but all in all I’m happy. And one day when a man says to me “you wear nothing but you wear it so well” I hope I’ll be pleased enough with my beautiful body to say nothing—no contradictions, nothing—just accept the compliment like I’ve tried to accept my body.


5. “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.” “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”

I have several hymns that have touched me at different times in my life, and recently I heard the Tabernacle Choir perform a very beautiful rendition of this song. There are times at church where I just want to stand and say, “Hey guys we all know individually that we are not perfect—far from it, we even have desires to sin at times. Can we talk about this topic as if we were all a little more comfortable with admitting that?” And that’s one thing I love about these lines from this song. There is admittance of a wandering heart, but also a recognition that while at times the heart may want to wander there is an overall strong desire to be on God’s side. This definitely how I feel about my own life/spirituality. Those wandering desires never last too long in the face of my desire to do the right thing.


6. “She asked me if you would be the one for me and me the one for you. Maybe it’s OK to fall in love for just a day.” --Liz Rhodes “Scooters”

I don’t necessarily think this is my favorite line from Liz’s Red and Yellow Album, but it’s a memorable one for me. Liz has just gotten a ride home from a guy on a scooter and her grandma is the “she” in the line. I like the idea of just embracing the moment and yet letting the moment pass—not trying to hold onto what can’t be held onto. Wow, I don’t think I am explaining myself well. Let me try again.

There are times when it’s best not to pull out the camera and ruin the moment by trying to capture it. Instead I feel like these moments shouldn’t be photographed, instead they should be experienced. For example, in India there was a day when I walked home in the rain and two women from the village came and shared my umbrella with me. We couldn’t communicate much, but we did laugh all the way home. While it may have been possible to photograph the three of us there is no way to capture the joy and fun of that small moment.

I also think I get caught up in the whole “I need to get married” fever that is rampant in Provo. Not every relationship will end in marriage, but it does feel good to enjoy a relationship for what it is, not for what we would make it. Sometimes I’m quick to overlook those very meaningful friendships, sad.

On a side note, Liz Rhodes is another local artist whom I’ve heard. While she is better live, I would listen to her album at night when I couldn’t sleep in India. There is a feeling of mystery that comes with being awake at midnight or even three in the morning in an Indian village. And in some ways the melodies of Liz’s songs helped capture that for me.



Looking at all six of these I realize that half of them involve a reference to nudity of some sort. I apologize. I’m not sure why they strike me. Maybe the imagery of being nude involves a lot of vulnerability. We don’t walk around naked often (unless you’re part of a nudist colony…) and well, we also don’t allow people know our innermost thoughts often—especially thoughts about how we feel/think about ourselves. Anyway, let me know your thoughts or even lines from songs that capture your attention.

Smells

I spent the Saturday afternoon with a roommate, Christiana, shopping at the mall (something we both don’t do regularly). I was almost out of my body lotion and wanted to replenish the stock. My roommate took me into Victoria Secret to try the lotions there. I blushed as we smelled lotions with titles such as Pure Seduction, Amber Romance and Romantic Wish. Christiana explained carefully that every man loves Love Spell, even though we both agreed it really wasn’t our favorite.

We decided to each buy three, since the deal was 6 for 30 bucks. I smelled and smelled each one in the room again and again in classic Liann style. I ended up with two I liked: Sweet Daydream and Endless Love. Christiana offered to buy a 4th and call it quits. But in the end I felt I had to get Love Spell since the patch of my arm with that lotion smeared on it started to smell appealing. She convinced me it was the secret to seducing any man and I felt I just had to have it.

So after each shower I have this small dilemma—what do I want to smell like today? Sometimes I just wipe on the one I haven’t used in awhile. Other times I calculate what men I’ll be seducing that day and lather up accordingly. Do I want to entice him with Love Spell? Or should I hope it’s Endless Love he’ll go for, since that’s more true to myself?

Oh the things we do to amuse ourselves!

Eating my way through my thesis.

This is a confession that may or may not be appropriate for the internet, but I’ll make it anyway!

Each week I come up with a new plan to be the most productive with my thesis. This week’s solution: eat. Eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I’ve had a few cans of Vanilla Flavored Coke Zero, sugar cookies with the rainbow chip frosting, Wheat Thins with cheese, pasta with oil and Parmesan cheese, at least a pound of Red Vines, and two Reese Peanut Butter Cups!

I think maybe next week I’ll try and come up with a new solution. Between the stomach aches and sugar headaches I don’t think I’m accomplishing what I want to. That and my pants are starting to get a bit tight. Luckily I also unfroze my gym membership this week, so the damage has been limited.

Liann is really LinkedIn

My friend Natalie recently invited me to join her network in LinkedIn.com. I decided that as a woman soon to enter the job market, websites like this may be helpful in finding that perfect job for me. As I joined I downloaded the contacts from my Gmail account and carefully selected 60 or so contacts to link to (some old friends, a few BYU professors, a couple co-workers, even an ex-fiancé). I saved a few contacts so that I could add a personal note when inviting them to link up. Thinking I was clicking the “continue on to making my profile” button, I accidentally sent an invite to all of my Gmail contacts. That would be everyone I have ever emailed or who has emailed me. The total comes to 514 people—including a sociology professor at Harvard I emailed once, a few ex-boyfriends I don’t talk to anymore, people I only know as “byubabe,” and about 50 city clerks in Iowa I contacted for a research project once upon a time.

I'll admit I was laughing as I was sort of yelling "no, no!" to my computer while rapidly clicking again and again the STOP button at the top of the web browser. I did stay some of the damage and only invited 390 of my closest associates to join my network.

Well, if anything at least I'm very well LinkedIn.

One of the more terrifying ways to die

I understand that the human race has come up with methods of torture that are more painful than I could ever imagine. But it seems to me that there would be purpose in the torture--something you are standing for, something you refuse to confess. I get that diseases like cancer can bring a slow and yet steady demise. But hopefully there is family there to provide love and support during those long days and painful treatments.

Over Christmas break I spent the 7 days on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera. One morning I was eating breakfast and overheard the people at the table behind me talking about a news report they had seen about a woman who had fallen off the side of a cruise liner in the middle of the night. It happened to occur on a Norwegian Cruise Liner (the same one I've been on) and apparently none of the guests knew about it until they got off at port and the FBI wouldn't let the woman's husband off. There was talk among the table as to whether the man pushed his wife off the balcony or not.

As I was first eavesdropping I also wondered if the man pushed his wife. That afternoon I walked around the promenade and thought about jumping off the side--not in a suicidal way. We were leaving port and the boat was carefully maneuvering out of the area. Men in fishing boats were waving to us from their anchored positions. And I thought it'd be pretty fun to jump off, kind of like cliff jumping.

The next night Aaron, Brandon and I were out on the promenade after a night of listening to the bar entertainment. A fellow cruise ship passed us--silently, like two ships passing in the night. :) I watched as the lights on the other cruise ship became smaller and smaller in the distance--so quickly--I never realized how fast we were moving. I was gripped then with the scene of that woman. Wet, a little confused after such a fall, spitting out salt water, gasping for air, clawing her way through the waves, heavy with soaked clothes, watching the boat, thinking for sure it would stop. Then as the reality sets in--the large cruise ship has no idea I'm not on it anymore. The recognizable boat quickly becomes just lights in the distance. I would feel so small bobbing up and down in that big ocean watching my "home away from home" leave me behind to die here in this salty sea.

What was she thinking about right then? So many possibilities at the end I suppose--a determination to live, an acceptance and a lonely farewell to the world, seething anger at her husband, sadness at opportunities soon to be lost, peaceful reflection on a life well lived, or maybe she was just too drunk to be thinking at all. What would I think about? What would I do?

The thought terrifies me. Brandon and Aaron were kind enough not to tease me as I shared my fear with them. I hope I never die by falling off a moving cruise ship.

Rethinking Motherhood

Now I’ve always thought I’d make a decent mother someday and that I would enjoy nothing less than fulfilling that “greater calling” in life. I’ve done quite a bit of babysitting. I generally enjoy spending time with kids. But I have seriously reconsidered motherhood after spending 5 days and nights babysitting my sister’s five children—and mind you my mom and I were both there. Which makes me even more terrified! There were two women in the house, which allowed for the luxury of a daily nap.

There were a couple of things that really got me about all of this. One, I felt like the worst version of myself came out. After my experience in India I learned not to consider myself “patient,” but this week I found myself wanting to lose it a more times than I care to admit. It’s not a pretty thing to see in yourself. And two, motherhood is so very selfless. I haven’t thought of myself as selfish, but this week I found nothing was about me. As the week progressed I took less and less care of my looks. Not only that, every night I wanted some sort of judge to listen to my grievances and deliver some sort of justice.

I can hear it now. I approach the judge in my pantsuit outfit carrying a folder detailing my case and say:

Your honor there are a few grievances I would like to put forth before you today and see that you remedy these situations. First, my one year old niece Jane was awake between the hours of midnight and 2:13am coughing. I kept running downstairs to get her some water until I was able to locate the infant’s cold medicine and administer it to her. I’d like to get my 2 hours of sleep back.

Second is the case of the 3 year old, Eve; my complaint is that she hit me multiple times and said “I hate you,” and “You’re not my friend!” repeatedly. I would like you to make her say “I’m sorry” and if possible keep her from saying “no” to my every request, suggestion, and mode of comfort.

The 6 year old nephew, Henry, has wet his bed for the second time since our stay. I would feel justified if he would wash the following items: 1 set of sheets, 2 pairs of PJ pants, and 1 pairs of underwear. I’d also appreciate it if there was some retribution since he lied to us regarding the wearing of pull-ups one night.

Your honor, Kate, the 8 year old, keeps forcing me to “play puppies” with her by getting angry when I refuse. Can you simply explain to her kindly that pretending to be kidnapped and then found by a stuffed animal puppy is only so fun for so long to a 25 year old?

And finally I would like for your honor to get my 10 year old nephew, Ethan, to put his Sunday shoes on the first time I ask him, instead of provoking his younger siblings to the point of tears.

In their defense those kids were fun to be with. They are so creative. Ethan made popcorn for our Friday night movie and handed it out like a regular salesman. During the film Eve climbed up and reclined on my lap while Henry and Kate tried their best to cuddle with my two arms. Ethan, Kate, Mom and I also played 2 rousing games of Settlers of Catan to my delight. I also enjoyed going to Kate’s 3rd grade class and giving a short presentation on India. And finally, Jane always had smiles for me each morning even though I wasn’t her mom.

There are sweet moments in motherhood I am sure, but I take my hat off to you women who do this day in and day out. To let it all go and love those kids despite it all is tough. You are amazing and deserve more than just one day to celebrate all the work you do.

Letter from the Author

Sorry I've been so busy since coming home. Celebrating Thanksgiving with family, buying a cell phone, signing a housing contract, lining up a job, organizing my thesis, and catching up with friends/family has been all I could manage in the last 2 (or has it been 3?) weeks since coming home. I've been thinking about this blog and what to write for a while now. Mostly wondering what to make of the end of this Indian chapter in my life. So, (first) I apologize for bombarding you with three long blog entries in one day. But they felt like three distinct experiences that have come again and again to my mind as I think of all this.

(And second) I want to apologize to regular readers (I've been running into a few and wonder how many more of you are out there!); while my life will remain being of interest to me, it may not be as exciting to you. I will try my best to continue writing and posting the entertaining anecdotes of my life. The next two chapters of my life will hopefully be entitled: "Madly finishing her thesis to finish grad school by April" and "Liann finds the first job of her career in this failing economy." I am planning for more Indian chapters to come, but the future is yet to be seen.