so strange it was funny

OK, OK I know I shouldn't have signed up for such a tour, but what was I supposed to do? Alone in Chang Mai, not knowing a soul, and feeling a little too lazy (or maybe too blue) to get myself out to see the place! I was standing there in my hotel lobby (which looks more like a travel agency...because that's what it is with a few rooms upstairs) looking at pictures of people riding on elephants, elephants and costumed Thais doing tricks, and white people white water rafting. I signed up and paid the 1200 baht (about 40 bucks) to the sweet lady who ran the place. She told me not to forget a towel and swimsuit and that the car would come between 8:30 and 9 the next morning to pick me up.

I don't even know how to describe the increasing hilarity of the day. It progressed so slowly into utter "weirdness" that it's hard to pinpoint when it all started and how we as a group bonded as we experienced it together.

So, we sat in the van making quick introductions as we picked up more and more people. We may have talked more, but the tour guide would not shut up, making lame jokes, and rambling on about things he didn't even know much about. The full van progressed to the Orchid and Butterfly Farm--a stop not anticipated by some. A half hour the guide told us. A half hour to see some insects and flowers! Yikes! After checking out the more moth-like butterflies than the beauties pictured in the brochure, I wandered through the orchid part. I talked with the American couple who said right away "You must be the other American we saw on the list {a list we had to fill out for insurance purposes when we first got into the van}"

"Yep." They were here in Thailand for 2 weeks hanging out at the beach. I had been in India for 4 months living in a village doing research. There are some divides that even our united nationality couldn't mend. But we had a pleasant conversation anyway. I felt a little like I was talking to a high school jock and his girlfriend, even though she insisted she just finished law school and he was working in pharmaceuticals.

After trying to make a joke about the ridiculous butterfly wing earrings at the gift shop to the nice looking German couple in our group, they looked at me a little strange. I tried to recover and make another joke, but I felt like the tour guide--being the only one laughing at his own jokes. They did warm up a little, but as I waited for the 30 minutes to be up with a little worry that today would be a long day.

Our next stop was a paper factory that makes paper out of elephant dung. I thought it might be lame and was already tired of our guide reminding us to bring our money and buy something. To my surprise the place was great--they showed us how they make paper out of real bonafide elephant dung. I know because I saw the actual dung used! I bought a large green sheet, thinking I'd cut it up into paper size and mail letters to my nieces and nephews on the elephant dung. What a great sustainable development project.

After the paper factory we went to see the ones producing the dung. The elephant camp was a bit ghetto--we could buy some bananas and feed them to the chained up elephants. The American left the young elephants to feed a large on chained near a tree and the Thais stopped them saying he was dangerous--only after they had fed him two bananas. I must admit that while it was sad to see them chained up it was great to be so close to these beautiful animals. I couldn't help but compare my awe to that which I feel for horses.

Now the camp was down a hill, it was packed down dirt, a building with a large porch with picnic tables and a small kitchen (to provide our lunch), near a river. There were some elephants (mostly young ones) on this side of the river. There were elephants with harnesses on the other side of the river. We were informed that we were to cross the river in a boat. Now first they had to fish the boat out of the water (meaning it was sinking!) and then chain the metal canoe to a set of three ropes which were tied across the river. Four of us would clumsily climb in the "boat," one of the guys would pull us across the river, and then we had to scramble up this hill (holding on to tree roots) to get to the elephant trekking.

I was asked if I'd be OK riding on the neck in that Thai accented English I was still unfamiliar with. I said OK, not really understanding. Well, what this meant was I'd be on one elephant with two tiny Korean girls. The girls were in the seat/harness and I was riding free on the neck holding on to the Thai elephant guide riding on the elephant's head. The Korean girls were great they screamed and sighed at every step while I was trying to not fall off this moving seat of mine. I hated to see the man knock the elephant over the head when the elephant wouldn't move or would be trying to eat the foliage, but I understood having ridden horses before. This is the lot of a domesticated animal. The weather was great and they took us out into this green lush valley with a beautiful blue sky. I couldn't help but imagine riding these elephants in the "olden days." I loved it when the guy got off and let me just ride the elephant, holding on to the head, while he took pictures of us and then prompted the animal from behind. It was great. And yet like everything on the tour did feel a little fake--packaged up for tourists.

After lunch we watched an Elephant Show. An unanticipated perk since we were there with a girl who had paid to stay the whole day at the elephant camp. They were doing the show for her, we just got to watch. It was like watching a low budget circus, I found myself taking pictures and yet wondering why I was. It's like a car accident; you just can't help but watch.

At this point Petra, a single female high school teacher from Germany, and I started talking. Over lunch, before and after the show she and I talked and laughed. She had had an awful time riding on the neck of her elephant. Unlike me, she had INSISTED on riding on the neck only to find out too late that her elephant had a rather large gash on its neck that was spewing blood and puss. I couldn't help but laugh at her retelling in broken English (she speaks English quite well, but when do you learn the word for elephant puss?) Prompted by my laughing she then made a dramatic speech about how she hated our tour guide, his bad jokes, and insistent talking. I laughed some more. We started to enjoy the hilarity of the tour, not just the things we were doing on the tour.

We then got on a bamboo river raft--a quiet and serene part of the tour. I ended up on the raft with all German speakers, but they were kind enough to speak in English on my behalf. We teased Petra about her elephant and laughed some more about this crazy day tour. We were then driven to the Long Neck village.

Now what you have to understand is these people aren't from Thailand. They came to Thailand because they realized that they could provide Farang with a short "anthropological” experience of visiting their village and "learning" about their culture. What they've created is a real tourist trap. The women of the village wear heavy necklaces that are made of brass. They start at a young age so as they grow their shoulders droop and they appear to have long necks. Their neck muscles DECAY enough so that they then need the support of the necklace. It was horrifying to hear as our tour guide explained all of this (except for the neck muscle thing Carl whispered that to me as we stood in the back) SICK. We walked around the "village" which was a few homes and several booths with these shoulder sagging women just weaving. They never smiled and I wondered in that bitter way why the preadolescent girls had to be subjected to such a thing instead of going to school and learning to make a living for herself that didn't involve wearing heavy jewelry for foreigners to see. No one lingered at the "village" and we got back in the car feeling a bit sick to the stomach.

We were then to go white water rafting. We changed into our swimsuits and were loaded into the back of this pickup that was rigged with two large bamboo poles for us to sit on. It wasn't much of a seat. I've been in India for 4 months mind you in some of the most crowded transportation going through some of the craziest unorganized traffic ever. But this was scary. We were driving on this bumpy dirt road near the river and I was having a blast hanging on for dear life trying not to fall out. It was like a roller coaster, but no assurance of your actual safety!

The brown water rafting was fun and not nearly as scary as the ride up the river. But the funny thing was the tour guide. He demonstrated the moves we'd have to make in response to the orders that would be given. He then made ONLY the women get in the boat on the land and practice, saying that women don't always get it. He had the five of us glaring at him as we practiced the moves. The men in our group laughed, but to their credit only when we were ready to laugh at the humiliating thing ourselves. Carlo, Petra and I had now become fast friends and all got in the same boat together. Carlo and I teased Petra that we shouldn't have gotten in her boat since she has all the bad luck. And sure enough we almost fell out because our river guides thought it'd be funny to run up against a large rock. What was even funnier was that we were more afraid of the water getting in our mouths than of falling out of the boat. That stuff was SICK.

Poor Carlo hadn't been told to bring a swimsuit, so as we changed back into our dry, clean clothes he tried his best to dry off in the sun and ignore his now brown t-shirt. We drove the hour back into Chang Mai and made one more stop, a waterfall. We hiked up the short trail to the waterfall, snapped a few photos and made plans to meet up after the tour for dinner. The Austrian guys who had joined us actually bought some fried worms from the assortment of fried insects for sale at a stall near the waterfall. They were nice enough to share and the group made enough peer pressure that we all ended up trying one or two. I ate one and then wanted a picture. Unfortunately, the second one was a little more juicy than the first and grossed me out a bit. The other American almost threw up in the car when she ate hers and insisted on chewing some gum afterwards.

Anyway, it was great to meet some fabulous new people. Traveling Thailand was getting a bit lonely and meeting these people under such “weird” circumstances made it all the more fun!