When I first moved to the DC area I decided to go down to one of the Virginia single wards to “check out the scene.” As I sat in the back of the chapel I first noticed all the beautiful colors in the mass of seated singles. It then dawned on me how few white shirts or dark colored suits there were. One of my reasons for moving to DC was the greater possibility of finding someone among this large pool of singles, so I began counting the women and men, trying to calculate a rough ratio in my head, was it 3 to 1? Or worse, 5 to 1? I then asked myself if I should assume the same likelihood of temple worthiness for men and women or if the attendance at ward temple night (far more sisters attend than brethren) is a better measure. I couldn’t estimate the gendered differences in sinfulness with accuracy, but even with the assumption of an equal rate of sin among men and women the numbers were not in my favor.
I then thought, “Heavenly Father this is impossible. These numbers don’t add up. There are not enough men to go around. Some of us are going to have to go elsewhere to get a husband. That or live a virginal lifestyle the rest of our days where the only consolation may be that you're the one to teach the primary class with little Tommy who talks about you later in general conference.” I sighed and felt my shoulders droop a little. “Next to these educated super models who sing, play piano, and make time to feed the poor I have no chance.”
The thought came to me, “But Liann, Jesus was able to feed 5,000 with a few loaves of bread and some fishes. All 5,000 were full and still they had leftovers. Getting a husband for you won’t be that difficult.”
“But, God! I’ve counted. Unless you reinstate polygamy these numbers really don’t add up.” The social scientist in me had done the math and it wouldn’t work. Not in this town, a place with one of the largest mass of LDS singles outside of Utah. And not with this girl, a slightly overweight smarty pants who occasionally rants about sexism in the church. Not me. It’s not happening.
There was no response, just a peace I pushed away as I continued counting. But from then on I’ve returned again and again to this thought: “God is a god of abundance.” And I’m still trying to trust that.
Unfortunately I feel so busy these days. Between working 8 hours a day, commuting 2 hours, teaching yoga once a week, recently moving to a new apartment, preparing, planting, and protecting my garden plot (sorry for any bunny lovers out there, they have become the bane of my new existence as a gardener), oh and don’t forget getting in that regular exercise and sleep, along with dating and keeping up some semblance of a social life, then there are the attempts at meaningful prayer and scripture study, recent travel for work, and the time it takes for the two callings I now have in the ward, I feel exhausted, worn out, used up, finished. And I’m not even attending Family Home Evening most Mondays, institute on Tuesdays, Relief Society activities on the occasional Wednesday, and about a half dozen other things.
On top of that I have been hurt, badly, by a few people in the ward. I put myself out there (to girls and guys) and tried to be friendly but then experienced everything from the slight brush off to a full fledged emotional slap in the face. I’m tired of being friendly, I’m tired of caring. I would like to be part of the solution in this ward (many people I talk with feel lonely), but I don’t dare risk lending a hand of friendship these days.
Basically I am clutching a few crusty loaves and dried out fishes close to my chest and saying, “no!” like some two year old, “I won’t share! I don’t even have enough to feed myself! How do you expect me to feed these five thousand? I won’t give it over. I really just need to conserve it.” Yet, I continue to walk around starving, unfulfilled, wondering how anyone budgets out their time, energy, and heart to live successfully.
OK as usual, I’m being a bit over-dramatic. But I do feel I’ve been so selfish lately. And I recognize it’s a problem. I need to give freely, to open up. I told a friend about this recent realization, and he mentioned the law of consecration. The Lord expects my time, talents, along with my money. So I’m starting a new experiment. Pry those crusty loaves and fishes from my own hands and give them to God, see what He can make of my life, my efforts, my heart. Day One hasn’t been too bad. During my morning prayer I sat on my bed and imagined giving my battered heart to God and telling him of my desire to give him what I had been holding back. I felt like the girl in her best dress who finds she’s still under-dressed for the dance but still looks each dancer in the eye. It’s not a lot Lord, but it’s what I have.
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6 comments:
As someone who has seen numbers not add up (and, on occasion, as someone who has refused to add them up), I've found that you do not need all the loaves and fishes. One will do. Even if I had to move to the other side of the world to feast. Just keep your passport up to date.
So, even though you don't post that often, I still follow your blog because I always love your posts. This one not excepted. I remember having that talk with God when I was single, but somehow I managed to find a fabulous match in a random town in Indiana where there was only a tiny single's group.
I also identify with your experience with DC single's wards. I felt the same way when I was in one with both the boy situation and the friendship situation. Good luck!
Oh yeah! And I got into gardening there too because I worked at Merrifield Garden Center. You should check it out if it's close enough to you because it's by far the best I've ever seen. We even provided the Christmas Tree for the President.
That sucks. I'm sorry that things aren't going better. There's one bit of advice that I feel inclined to give. Don't ever forget that you have intrinsic value. Your value as a human being is not dependent upon having a mate, nor children. Even if you were to never get married or never have children, you can still live a fulfilling life.
I occasionally (or more than occasionally) rave about sexism in the church too. Also, the fact that you work, commute, teach yoga AND have a garden is pretty awesome.
Thanks everyone for the comments. I felt so hesitant to post this since it feels very personal and those deep feelings of fear over marriage, insecurities about myself surface infrequently (but powerfully). Lately, I really have been caught up in this turmoil about my current schedule/lack of many meaningful connections with people in DC. I have found the process of writing and posting has been quite therapeutic. This "letting go" has been very freeing and reaches back to what I LOVED about my yoga training. Just this morning I was drafting a fun entry for a blog entry in my head on the way to work. I feel ready to get more playful (and hopefully more frequent) with my blogging.
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