For the Sake of Self Transformation

“Come forward. Bring your shoulders over your wrists in plank pose*.”

Burn there is only burning. This is not the first plank pose of the morning. My arms, shoulders, abs, thighs, calves. It all burns.

Chrissy continues, “Lift through your shoulders. Be mindful that your hips points don’t drop. Roll your inner thighs toward the ceiling. Rake your buttocks flesh toward your heels.” On and on. She repeats herself again and again using different terminology each time.

As I carefully follow her instructions there is more burning. My abs begin shaking, but I refuse to let my hips sink anymore. I will do this right.

“Look forward. Face your sternum to the front room.”

I notice that as my eyes had fallen to looking at a piece of lint on the front of my mat and my chest had sunk into the pull of gravity. I push with all I got while trying to maintain the work in my legs.

“Good. Push your hips up and back into downward facing dog.”

Release. My breath slows and becomes less audible. Calm.

“Bring your shoulders back over wrists.”

I think to myself, “Bring it.” As I picture future Liann at the front of some yoga studio effortlessly demonstrating plank into chaturanga.

My body begins to shake immediately as my breath becomes labored. I tune out of Chrissy’s enduring voice drumming through all the alignment points. Instead I meditate on the alignment points myself—they become a mantra in my head. “Inner thighs up. Buttocks flesh back. Hip Points up. Chest forward. Lift in the arms. Inner thighs up. Buttocks flesh back. Hip points up. Chest forward. Lift in the arms…”

I do hear her say, “Lift your hips up and back into downward facing dog. Slowly drop your knees and come into child’s pose.”

With a smile in her voice she says to us, “You’ve got tapas. Tapas is the willingness to endure intensity for the sake of self transformation. This training is a process of self transformation and I see your genuine effort in trying to achieve that change”

Her words touch each tired muscle in my body, particularly the ones near my heart. I swallow hard and try to put back on my game face. I focus on my breath as Chrissy leads us out of child’s pose and into the rest of practice.

“Tapas.” I think to myself as I sit on the train home that night.

But what about the type of “self” I want to become outside of yoga? Employed for one thing but beyond that I want to become beautifully virtuous in thought and deed, kind, patient with self and others, honest (truly honest), lovely, adventurous (but not recklessly so)…the list goes on.

I think of the girl I used to be and the moments of intensity that lay between that girl and me. Things like struggle with school, moments of intense loneliness, and repeated failures. I think about how each intense moment contributed to this process of becoming a little more like the self I want to become.

My thoughts now turn to the many moments of intensity ahead of me. It’s a little overwhelming, but

Bring it.

I’ve got tapas.

*For those of you not familiar with yoga, plank pose is like holding yourself at the top of a push up.