Concerns of a Metro North Passenger

Is it weird that I worry about my train conductors getting carpel tunnel syndrome? I’ve yet to have the courage to ask one of them whether or not their job training involved a discussion of the potential for a repetitive stress injury from punching all those tickets. But I find myself wondering about it each time they walk by clicking their ticket puncher saying "Tickets. Tickets."

The Dirty Rumor

Let me dispel one dirty rumor about NYC. When I moved from overly polite Provo I thought this city would be full of pushy, rude, pissed-off New Yorkers. As I also found in Paris, the people in New York are surprisingly quite polite. I’d even go so far as saying they can be very nice and thoughtful to total strangers.

One evening on the subway I asked a man how to get to Union Square. The directions I had been given were a bit sketchy. I knew I had to transfer, but I wasn’t quite sure where and to what subway. I asked a man in the car and he explained where I should go. I must have looked concerned still because he stood and walked me over to a subway map to show me my route!

On Friday night I was sprinting to catch the train, but I ran up down onto the platform as the doors were closing (the next train wouldn’t be coming for quite some time so I was a bit frantic). A group of people on the platform got the attention of the conductor to open the doors.

In the mornings I have become a little overzealous in my new found freedom of jaywalking and occasionally will be crossing the middle of the street as the light turns to green. Rather than honking, the drivers wait patiently as I trot toward the sidewalk.

Today at lunch I watched a man hand a homeless guy a cup of soup and piece of bread bought from the shop he just left.

Tonight as I was going from one car to the next on the train a guy sitting by the door held the very heavy door for me as I went through.

Every door that people hold. Every moment of eye contact that ends in a smile. Every joke shared among a random stranger on the subway. Each beautiful interaction with the people of this city reminds me of the good of humanity. Yeah there are those eye-rolling people who are pushy and impatient. But all in all I have found that most people in New York are just doing their best to get along with everyone else. There are just a lot of everybody else-s to get a long with around here.

For the Sake of Self Transformation

“Come forward. Bring your shoulders over your wrists in plank pose*.”

Burn there is only burning. This is not the first plank pose of the morning. My arms, shoulders, abs, thighs, calves. It all burns.

Chrissy continues, “Lift through your shoulders. Be mindful that your hips points don’t drop. Roll your inner thighs toward the ceiling. Rake your buttocks flesh toward your heels.” On and on. She repeats herself again and again using different terminology each time.

As I carefully follow her instructions there is more burning. My abs begin shaking, but I refuse to let my hips sink anymore. I will do this right.

“Look forward. Face your sternum to the front room.”

I notice that as my eyes had fallen to looking at a piece of lint on the front of my mat and my chest had sunk into the pull of gravity. I push with all I got while trying to maintain the work in my legs.

“Good. Push your hips up and back into downward facing dog.”

Release. My breath slows and becomes less audible. Calm.

“Bring your shoulders back over wrists.”

I think to myself, “Bring it.” As I picture future Liann at the front of some yoga studio effortlessly demonstrating plank into chaturanga.

My body begins to shake immediately as my breath becomes labored. I tune out of Chrissy’s enduring voice drumming through all the alignment points. Instead I meditate on the alignment points myself—they become a mantra in my head. “Inner thighs up. Buttocks flesh back. Hip Points up. Chest forward. Lift in the arms. Inner thighs up. Buttocks flesh back. Hip points up. Chest forward. Lift in the arms…”

I do hear her say, “Lift your hips up and back into downward facing dog. Slowly drop your knees and come into child’s pose.”

With a smile in her voice she says to us, “You’ve got tapas. Tapas is the willingness to endure intensity for the sake of self transformation. This training is a process of self transformation and I see your genuine effort in trying to achieve that change”

Her words touch each tired muscle in my body, particularly the ones near my heart. I swallow hard and try to put back on my game face. I focus on my breath as Chrissy leads us out of child’s pose and into the rest of practice.

“Tapas.” I think to myself as I sit on the train home that night.

But what about the type of “self” I want to become outside of yoga? Employed for one thing but beyond that I want to become beautifully virtuous in thought and deed, kind, patient with self and others, honest (truly honest), lovely, adventurous (but not recklessly so)…the list goes on.

I think of the girl I used to be and the moments of intensity that lay between that girl and me. Things like struggle with school, moments of intense loneliness, and repeated failures. I think about how each intense moment contributed to this process of becoming a little more like the self I want to become.

My thoughts now turn to the many moments of intensity ahead of me. It’s a little overwhelming, but

Bring it.

I’ve got tapas.

*For those of you not familiar with yoga, plank pose is like holding yourself at the top of a push up.

Theme Song

If Rocky was a young woman in New York doing a yoga teacher training I think his theme song would be "Dreams" by the Cranberries instead of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor.

Because after dragging myself out of my warm comfy bed at 6 am, eating, dressing, packing a lunch, walking/jogging to the Fleetwood station, barely catching the 7:03 train, and arriving to the Grand Central Station at 7:40, I often feel the need to blare "Dreams" on my iPod as I brave the cold weather and walk (with a New York pace) the 8 1/2 blocks to my yoga studio in time to change, place my mat down, and feel ready for our 2 hour yoga practice.

But that's just me.

New Year's Resolutions

As I approached this New Years I thought about what I wanted to accomplish in the next 12 months. Instead of overwhelming myself with a huge list I decided to whittle my list down to 5 manageable goals.

So, here they are Liann's Official New Years Resolutions for 2010:

1. Blog more than I did last year (a.k.a. write at least 5 posts in the next 12 months).

2. Survive my yoga teacher training in New York.

3. Lose weight while doing #2.

4. Find a job (preferably in DC)

5. Come to peace about gaining all my weight back while attempting to accomplish #4.

Thoughts from the kitchen sink

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a music person, but today while I was doing dishes I thought about lines from songs that strike me. And I thought I’d share them


1. “Just about the time the shadows call, I undress my mind and dare you to follow.” –Sara Bareillis “One Sweet Love”

I feel like good, deep, meaningful conversation feels a little like this. Sharing something I don’t share with just anyone. It is a beautiful time in a relationship when you feel safe to reveal things about yourself—and in the course of revealing you build intimacy. This line from the song implies for me a sense of intimacy beyond physical intimacy. And that is beautiful. I also have to say there are times when I get done with a conversation and feel I’ve shared too much too fast—as if I was being as inappropriate as a exhibitionist. Anyone else?


2.”Yeah we’re in our twenties now, where not much is plenty now, and not enough food. It’s OK we’re in the arms of the Gypsy” –Shake Your Peace “In the Arms of the Gypsy”

Shake Your Peace was once a local artist—he’s since moved to California. He’s fun and his songs are full of life. I fell in love with this song when I heard the story behind it. He and his girlfriend decided they wanted to live in NYC so they bought an old boat called the Arms of the Gypsy and SLOWLY made their way to a bay in New York. The song inspires me to creatively reach for those dreams I have and to enjoy this very short, unique time in my twenties. One day I’ll have a house with working a/c, money to buy more than just oatmeal for breakfast, along with commitments like a mortgage and children that call me “mom.” This song reminds me that I shouldn’t get frustrated with my lack of material means and instead enjoy this time of freedom, choice, big dreams, spontaneous adventures, and fun people. It won’t last long.


3. “And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud” –Anna Nalick “Breathe”

I don’t know what it is about this line, but I am one who loves to write in my journal. The things that go in there are at times very funny, very quirky, very sad, and very personal. It’s a place where I don’t have to care what someone else will think, I can be myself, I can vent, I can admit those weaknesses that make me feel vulnerable. I don’t feel I’m a very closed person, but I have lines I don’t necessarily let everyone cross. And sharing words from my journal would make me feel very…exposed, even naked.


4. “You wear nothing but you wear it so well.” –Dave Matthews “Crash into Me”

Josh was the one who pointed out this line to me first, and it’s stuck with me ever since. There came a time in my life when I realized that SO MANY women in my life had body image issues—the old, the beautiful, the skinny—they all had issues! I realized that I could either face those nasty thoughts I had about my body or let them haunt me the rest of my life. I am happy to say I have come to peace with my body—the flabby, hairy, stretch-marked bits and all. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I occasionally have days where I don’t feel beautiful, but all in all I’m happy. And one day when a man says to me “you wear nothing but you wear it so well” I hope I’ll be pleased enough with my beautiful body to say nothing—no contradictions, nothing—just accept the compliment like I’ve tried to accept my body.


5. “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.” “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”

I have several hymns that have touched me at different times in my life, and recently I heard the Tabernacle Choir perform a very beautiful rendition of this song. There are times at church where I just want to stand and say, “Hey guys we all know individually that we are not perfect—far from it, we even have desires to sin at times. Can we talk about this topic as if we were all a little more comfortable with admitting that?” And that’s one thing I love about these lines from this song. There is admittance of a wandering heart, but also a recognition that while at times the heart may want to wander there is an overall strong desire to be on God’s side. This definitely how I feel about my own life/spirituality. Those wandering desires never last too long in the face of my desire to do the right thing.


6. “She asked me if you would be the one for me and me the one for you. Maybe it’s OK to fall in love for just a day.” --Liz Rhodes “Scooters”

I don’t necessarily think this is my favorite line from Liz’s Red and Yellow Album, but it’s a memorable one for me. Liz has just gotten a ride home from a guy on a scooter and her grandma is the “she” in the line. I like the idea of just embracing the moment and yet letting the moment pass—not trying to hold onto what can’t be held onto. Wow, I don’t think I am explaining myself well. Let me try again.

There are times when it’s best not to pull out the camera and ruin the moment by trying to capture it. Instead I feel like these moments shouldn’t be photographed, instead they should be experienced. For example, in India there was a day when I walked home in the rain and two women from the village came and shared my umbrella with me. We couldn’t communicate much, but we did laugh all the way home. While it may have been possible to photograph the three of us there is no way to capture the joy and fun of that small moment.

I also think I get caught up in the whole “I need to get married” fever that is rampant in Provo. Not every relationship will end in marriage, but it does feel good to enjoy a relationship for what it is, not for what we would make it. Sometimes I’m quick to overlook those very meaningful friendships, sad.

On a side note, Liz Rhodes is another local artist whom I’ve heard. While she is better live, I would listen to her album at night when I couldn’t sleep in India. There is a feeling of mystery that comes with being awake at midnight or even three in the morning in an Indian village. And in some ways the melodies of Liz’s songs helped capture that for me.



Looking at all six of these I realize that half of them involve a reference to nudity of some sort. I apologize. I’m not sure why they strike me. Maybe the imagery of being nude involves a lot of vulnerability. We don’t walk around naked often (unless you’re part of a nudist colony…) and well, we also don’t allow people know our innermost thoughts often—especially thoughts about how we feel/think about ourselves. Anyway, let me know your thoughts or even lines from songs that capture your attention.

Smells

I spent the Saturday afternoon with a roommate, Christiana, shopping at the mall (something we both don’t do regularly). I was almost out of my body lotion and wanted to replenish the stock. My roommate took me into Victoria Secret to try the lotions there. I blushed as we smelled lotions with titles such as Pure Seduction, Amber Romance and Romantic Wish. Christiana explained carefully that every man loves Love Spell, even though we both agreed it really wasn’t our favorite.

We decided to each buy three, since the deal was 6 for 30 bucks. I smelled and smelled each one in the room again and again in classic Liann style. I ended up with two I liked: Sweet Daydream and Endless Love. Christiana offered to buy a 4th and call it quits. But in the end I felt I had to get Love Spell since the patch of my arm with that lotion smeared on it started to smell appealing. She convinced me it was the secret to seducing any man and I felt I just had to have it.

So after each shower I have this small dilemma—what do I want to smell like today? Sometimes I just wipe on the one I haven’t used in awhile. Other times I calculate what men I’ll be seducing that day and lather up accordingly. Do I want to entice him with Love Spell? Or should I hope it’s Endless Love he’ll go for, since that’s more true to myself?

Oh the things we do to amuse ourselves!